Quick, someone (with carpentry skills) build me a throne, for surely I should be coronated! Took back the shiny bath taps and replaced them with equally shiny basin taps (15mm supply pipes instead of 22mm, remember). Then fitted them in 45mins flat, without a leak in sight. Half way through fitting, the emergency plumber (whom I left a message for two days ago, while fighting the rising tide) phoned back. ‘Pah!’ I said. ‘I’ll let you know if I need you.’ Who needs to be paying callout charges (with 20% VAT) when you’re King of the Taps!
Then fixed the hinge on the office door so that it would shut properly and keep the missus warm while she does her phd.
Then fixed the smashed up burglar alarm sensor (which the dog knackered – I’m sure he’s been planning an inside job) so that no one can get in and steal my new manuscript.
Just a rusty radiator, new blinds and every other appliance in the house to be fixed and there’s a chance that the four walls might stay standing beyond the next 6 months. Surely he is a cosmic warlord. Hurrah!