Tagline to this vampire movie: ‘The undead fear no one… except her.’ Actually, the undead largely pretended not to know her, so embarrassed were they at appearing in this film. Truly awful. The DVD cover was bad enough, but I thought: ‘You shouldn’t judge a film by its cover.’ And I was sadly right, as the film was even worse than the cover. Okay, the DVD only cost me a pound, but the Queen’s head was on the back of that pound, so as far as I’m concerned the film was treasonously bad. Anyone associated with the making of it should be locked up in the Tower of London forever (or whatever’s longer than that).
So, it’s a vampire flick set in the wild west. Billy the Kid is the big vampire – with a strange Eastern European accent. And that’s about as much sense as can be made of it all. Utterly incoherent. Oh, actually, you could see it holding together as long as you kept thinking: ‘All Americans are really stupid. Why did that so-called character just do that? Oh yes. It’s because they’re American and really stupid.’ But hang on! I know lots of Americans and they’re not at all stupid. And so I lost the narrative thread to the movie all over again.
The lead role (Rayne) is played by Natassia Malthe. Who? Doesn’t matter – she’ll deny it was her anyway. She’ll say it’s her twin sister in the film or something. It’s not her fault the film is so lame, to be fair. She might be a good actress trapped in an awful role and script – and that might explain the constant scowl she maintains throughout.
Fundamental flaw? The film breaks every single rule of vampire lore and fiction. Rayne is half-vampire cos her mum was raped by a vampire. But everyone knows a vampire can’t reproduce through sex. It requires the seed of life to do that. It needs to be ‘quick’. But vampires are the undead! Helloooo! Then we’re told that only silver bullets will kill vampires – yet we then see a dozen of them killed by normal bullets. Helloooo!
Look, if anyone out there is thinking of making a vampire film, why don’t you get proper writers? Call me and my scriptwriter friend Matt, particularly if you’re American. (Joke – come on, don’t be stupid now.) Score: 1/10