The Witcher: a Synopsis
The setting: some indiscriminate medieval bobbins. A tree, a castle, some poo, a village full of Pythonesque yokels.
Our hero, Gefript of the Islets of Langherans, enters.
Yokel A: We don’t like your type around here, WHITCHERRRR
Yokel B: Aaaarrrrr, in this tavern we discriminates against moody incels with hidden depths, and indeed ALL DIFFERENCE.
Gefript: *glowers in 14-yr-old boy’s version of hidden depths*
Scene shifts. A castle. Home of King Elderflower of Cor Dial
A thin blonde bird in a nightdress: AAAAAAARGHHHHHHH papa I will not marry the Count of Bacon Quichelands oooh wait am I magic?
She runs into the woods, which are sinister, for REASONS.
Scene shifts again: a pig pen.
A gorgeous bird with a clearly “this’ll be gone by ep 4” disability: I have been abused by my family. Will this mysterious powerful woman save me or abuse me in a different way? Only time and the bleeding obvious can tell.
The Showrunners: Heeeeeeeheeeeee! What you don’t know is…
The Audience, who have watched Westworld and literally everything since: IT’S BEING TOLD IN DIFFERENT TIMEFRAMES WE ALREADY KNOW
A Bard: lol lol lol I’m meta and make jokes about how bad the writing is, which cleverly makes it not bad at all, do you see?
An extra with one line: Sir, we here are but simple folks preyed on by the magical and evil Xfristersinghtin, who are EVIL and definitely not a metaphor for misunderstood difference
Gefript: I will kill you all, but maybe not. I like my horse. For coin I will exposition the fact that the evil Xfristersinghtin are a metaphor for misunderstood difference, as are these elves we chucked in.
Some random girl-on-top shagging: we’re not entirely sure why we’re here, but if the GOT fans made it this far I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.
The Magical Council of Dairylea: Can’t believe we’re getting away with this, tbh.
Distant voice of Sir Terry Pratchett: I was taking the p***out of this kind of offensively awful nonsense in nineteen eighty threeeeeeeeeee…….
*Fade to blackout*